Welcome to my world

Its ok I have method in my maddness!

(no subject)
batman, cute
Its been 3 years since I moved back home and I'm nearly 25 yrs old.

I'm still sharing my room with my mum and Scott hasn't moved out - and is now saying that he wants to get married before getting a house (which is weird I thought doing it the other way round would be better) but to each there own.

Good things first, I have a part time job as a Catering Assistant at a factory in the cateen. Still looking for either a full time job or another part time (to do with the job I've already got!).

I have a driver's licence! And I also have a car, which has recently been put in my own name.

I have new friends!!! I joined a show choir and am loving it!!

I have become District Commissioner for Gillingham West (Guiding), a year ago (in April) although I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not, it depends on the day :P

Bad things next, Carl's kidneys have gotten so bad he needs surgery and Scott's gonna give him one of his. So they will both be in surgery at the same time, which is really scary.

Well that's all to be said today, maybe I'll write again soon, maybe not.


(no subject)
Its been a very long time since I last posted, but not much has actully happened to me.

I'm still jobless, living at home, and bored.

I'm ill at the moment with IBS so at least thats a little change.

I suppose you might be able to tell but I'm having moodswings again and generaly feeling like crap most of the time, but I get like this when I have nothing constructive to do.

Dad's been away to montenegro and has come back today, he's home until monday now - oh joy.

So not much else to say.
I'll try to write some thing every week - even just one line - thats my new target.

Till next time,

(no subject)
So my birthday, it wasn't too bad all in all, but was a bit boring. I spent most of it cooking with mum, which was fun. I got a few bits and peices from everyone, not much though. My favorite present was a charm braclet from mum (and dad I suppose, but mum picked it and brought it), she got me one charm for it as well with my birthstone in it, and has said she's gonna add to it on christmases and birthdays and special occasions!

Scott's birthday 2 days ago was just as boring really. He went out with a couple of mates in the evening and we played on the Wii all day.

I really do miss having a fuss made of me on my birthday, like even a few years ago, but I guess that what happens as you grow up in my family.

On another note, Guide Holiday that I'm orgaising is coming up fast. I've still got soo much to do, as well as organise a parents meeting (which I kinda forgot about if I'm honest). I'm not really sure why I said I'd do this now. Oh well at least at the end of it I should have a holiday licence, and I'm sure I'll enjoy the holiday.

Still nothing on the lovelife front. Other than the smarmy, now slightly creepy, guy from my last job. He knows I'm a vigin and I think just wants me because of that. He even said he'd 'do me a favor'. I haven't spoken to him since and my friends agree that I've not jutst misunderstood him, he's a creep. eurg.

Moving to Swansea has now been put on hiatus again. I don't know when I'm next going to try to move back now. Nothing seems to be going right at the moment.
I should be going up for a couple of days at the end of July though for Kirsty's Birthday, which should be good fun!

So a bit happier than my last post!!
till next time

(no subject)

Ok, so here we are again, nearing my birthday, and I’m feeling depressed again. This is turning into a tradition, and not a good one. I don’t quite know why I always feel this way every year.  Lonely and not quite here (and not in a good floaty way).




I don’t really know what to say. Maybe this feeling will go away, maybe it never will and I’ll feel like this every year, who knows.


I don’t feel like me. And I don’t know who I am now and how to change back.



I want to change back.


(no subject)
ok, its been awhile since my last post, but nothing's really happened.

I've still got no job and thers doesn't seem to be any out there, so thats annoying, and there's no guides till next week as we'[re in the easter holiday.

We've had Alicia and Bobby round to stay last night as it was Sue's birthday on thursday and Carl took her out last night (or at least thats I think they did, they might have just stayed in for all I know).

I've also had a word with Kirsty and she's got a house share! and there's rooms still free, so I've got to find out if I can get housing benifit until I get job so I can pay rent and then I maybe moving to Swansea again!! There is a downside to this though, and thats that mum is going in for her operation on her foot on tuesday and that means she can barely move for awhile and will not be back at guides for 4 weeks atleast. Now I feel bad for wanting to move out when I know she's gonna like that.

The only other thing thats happened is that dad seems to be snapping at everything these days, he broke my plate at breakfast last sunday, and it really did scare me, but he also walked out earlier tonight instead of shouting and he only used to do that when he was really mad. But what I don't know is why he's become like this now. If I knew maybe I could help or atleast do somthing.

Ohy and I finished my run on 'My boy Jack', so lets hope they want my help again if just to stop me getting bored!

Ok so other than that its been pretty uneventful, keeping my fingers crossed about the housing benifit,

Till next time

(no subject)
merlin, arthur
ok so we're into April!!

Last week, I ran our Guides meeting as the main Guider withou mum even there! It actully went ok for a suprise. Even Sam helped without having to be forced (I think as Cheryl was with her so it may have been Cheryl).
Had our last meeting before easter tonight, which went as normal so thats good.

I got to go to the Job Centre Monday and sign on and again I've not filled in my book yet - whooops. Never mind I'll do it over the weekend.

I'm currently helping out on a show at the Medway Little Theatre again. This time its a show called 'My boy Jack', and I'm only operating the lights, so its not as maddening. Bit boring though, not that the play's bad, just once you've seen it twice you've well seen it. The lighing isn't that inventive so doesn't take much brain power as well. However its keeping my hand in and I do enjoy it.

so not much else to say except the Guides have chosen the theme - Jelly Beans - for their residential Holiday!

(no subject)
Well life certainly likes to be shite doesn’t it.

Ok so I nearly had a job, a tech job even, but it fell through due to the fact they need a male tech for accommodation reasons. I’m assuming this means shared accom with a guy. I just wish they hadn’t offered me the job then taken in away the next day. But that is the way of life most days.

On a happier note, yesterday was Alicia’s birthday! She’s 7 now. I made her a Tardis Cake, it didn’t turn out too badly in the end, took all day to make the second sponge then shape and decorate the whole lot, I got a few photos of it on Facebook, I’ll see if i can move them here, when livejournal’s working again.

I’m writing this on the live writer thingy ‘cos I really need to write something down or I think I’d cry, and crying over a job is so not worth it.

There’s always next time, right?
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(no subject)
batman, cute
ok so that's one performance down, one to go.
This one went alright, apart from the fact that one of the Cd players decided it didn't like the CD and stop playing, and one of the actors didn't get on stage and when he did he decided to stand in the dark. Arg. Never mind once more than that's 'Mina' over. I've already been asked if I'd help with another show in april time, so that's good.

Scott and Rachel are still broke up and she still hasn't talked to him properly. The only reason I'm being civil with her is because Scott asked me to. At least after this show I doubt I'll she her again. Its a shame, because I thought she was better than who she's turned out to be. That's life I suppose, I mean its her loss.

I'm going for a meal with the actors tomorrow, as they are good people.

I've signed on the dole now, my next sign in is on monday 9.25am, have to be up early!!

Scott's also definitly selling the house so I'm really looking for a job that will let me get out!!

Oh and I'm writing this from my room for once as everyone's asleep even mum, she's fallen asleep downstairs!

ok time for bed I think.
night night.

(no subject)
just a short one,
it looks like Rachel has dumped my brother by text. They were together 4 years and by text, thats just absolute shite right.

I wish I knew what to do, but if she doesn't fix this by sunday, I swear I'm gonna slap her. Hard.

I hate that I can't help, I just retreat always

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(no subject)
Well it’s been awhile, and a few things have happened, only a few mind you.

The biggest is probably that I quit my job. I couldn't stand it anymore. I mean people would phone for help and I had to try and sell them something, and I was told that I had to push harder, as 'we're not doing it for the sales but to help the customer'.
Only a few where to actually help and then they usually didn't go through to sales anyway. I was constantly being asked why I wasn't doing better, and had even had a meeting with my line manager to that effect. So I stayed for as long as I could stand, I mean I wanted to quit before Christmas but held off quitting until the end of January. On top of losing my mind the headset had started to affect my hearing, and that just scared the shit out of me. I have low-level tinnitus, that’s a fact and doesn't bother me as it doesn't adversely effect my hearing, but because of the headset I had a loud ringing in my ear for about 5 seconds and then this weird pulsing sound, that left me off balance and stopped me hearing properly. I had to walk away from my family and sit in a quiet place for a bit just to calm down because it scared me that much. I also started to get my IBS quite often in the last couple of months there, I think because of the stress of not hitting the targets set while the others who trained with me were. It wasn't too bad IBS but enough to add to the stress.

Another thing that has happened, is my little nephew is growing!! hee, and I finally finished the elephant teddy I made him. (Only a few months late, considering it was supposed to be ready before he was born)!!

I'm working on a show at the moment with the 'Medway Little Theatre' called 'Mina'. It’s only voluntary but it gets me back into it, and I really forgot how much I love it!! It’s not even a good show but Rachel - Scott's fiancée - is in it and she mentioned that their tech crew had walked out so I said I'd do it. Which means I'm the only tech on this show, but it’s not too bad as there's not too much to do. They've sorted their own costumes, and the set is what’s already there, the sound is minim, it’s the lighting that’s gonna be fun once it’s rigged. It’s hard because the actors (and director/script writer) doesn't really understand what I'm doing just that I'm doing it. Their a lovely cast though, really good people even if they're not all the best actors, I think some are doing this more for fun than to get a step on the ladder.

I do miss performing, it’s a thrill you just can't get anywhere else, or at least nowhere I've tried. While I love the tech it’s a different type of thrill, knowing that I did that, made the show look like that!

I'm still living at home, with mum in my room still, though its more a joint room now than when I moved back home. Scott's decided to sell his house as it doesn't look like he's gonna be moving in anytime soon and feels he 'needs a bigger house as he may want to start a family once he's married'. It’s just so very annoying, frustrating, I mean I'm writing this from downstairs on the old laptop, as mum wanted to sleep. Don't get me wrong I don't begrudge that she wants to sleep, but I think I need space again or I'm gonna really loose it, and probably say something I mean but didn't want to or shouldn't say, it a fit of frustration. I mean it feels like I can't even sit at my PC during the day without feeling like some-one's watching over my shoulder. Mainly because mum walks in and out as she pleases (because it IS her room too now) and because it’s now mum's room too it’s like an open door licence. Take what I'm writing now, I wouldn't write it when anyone else is awake, and defiantly not in my room. When mum's bored she'll just come in a sit on the end of her bed and stare at what I'm doing on the screen, so I have to always have some game open in another tab to flick to when she walks in. I just want my space back, the space I was promised would be here. If I knew it was going to be like this for so long I would have figured out a way to stay in Swansea.

On that note, I'm looking for a way to get out, hopefully to Swansea as that’s where my friends are, but if not just a way out of this house would be great. I don't want to be ungrateful to my parents but I want my life back. Sometimes its the simple things of going to cook dinner (only on a monday, thursday and friday, as all other nights are cooked by mum or dad - not helping the independence thing) and finding we have no potatoes as they were used but no-one said that their was none left earlier in the week. It sounds petty, and I hate myself for that. That the petty things have gotten to me and continue to get to me. I shouldn't let them but, well I'm trying.

So next depressing topic, my love-life or the still lack of. I did get asked out by some-one from work, but I think he just wanted to have sex with me, not that you would have known that from the 'date'. Watching a film and pizza round his house, and talking for awhile. What makes me think he just wanted sex is the pure amount of question he had about the fact that I'm a virgin, in practically every sense. Oh yeah I told him I'd never had a boyfriend. He was a friend at work, but he's just recently gotten out of 2 relationships in quick succession. Anyway back to the so-called date, it was fun but felt like hanging out with a mate, but with less touching; he always stayed away from me. Never mind though, that’s in the past now so got to start looking forward.

Ok on to something happy. I'm still with the Rainbows and Guides! Still doing what I can to make the meeting more fun, mainly for the Guides. I think mum's run out of ideas for them, so most of what we've been doing lately have been my ideas. The girls are enjoying it though and that’s what counts. Sam still hasn't managed to finish her training yet, its kinda frustrating because I can't tell if she really actually wants to do it. I mean most if not all of it is what we do every week. I mean if she was enthusiastic and came up with ideas at planning and actually got up and did things with the girls that I wouldn't worry (despite the fact she's been doing this for 2 years - it only took me a year and a bit where I went to uni, so things got signed off when I came back at Christmas, and I was doing 3 sections not just 1), but she doesn't. If me and mum didn't make her get up from her seat she wouldn't and I don't think she gave us any ideas when planning this term. It’s just another frustration to add to the pile!

I'm going to be taking the Guides away this summer on a pack holiday and earn my licence for it at the same time, so that should be fun, and I mean it this time.

The driving lessons are still going on, and I'm getting better, slowly but better all the same. I have to sit and read the Highway Code though, really not fun I swear that could make me fall asleep with all the rules and regulations, but I must know them.

Last thing, I've got to go down the dole centre on monday (well tomorrow now!) to sign on, they've given me a sign on time of 9.25am! Well at least I suppose I'll probably make more of my day, and at least its only every other week rather than every week like last time.

So in summery, life's pretty crap, but there are a few good things. :D

Till next time (hopefully won't need to type too much next time and the post should be soon!)



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